If there's humor to be found in a doctor's office, Dr. Seuss is the one to find it. You're Only Old Once is a facetious look at the health care system from the perspective of the elderly. "Just why are you here? You're not feeling your best..."

At this Golden Years Clinic on Century Square, not feeling your best turns into a full day of Spleen Readjustment and Muffler Repair. Here patients take an Eyesight and Solvency Test, where the tested must read (in increasing font size) "Have you any idea how much money these tests are costing you?" Patients are asked to give a detailed medical history of their parts, their grandfather's parts, along with the ache and pains of their grandmothers, cousins, etc.:  "And describe the main cause of your uncle's collapse. Too much alphabet soup? Or martinis, perhaps?" 

The patients endure allergy tests with Dr. Pollen, hearing tests with Dr. Von Crandall (world-renowned for his test known as Bellows and Candle), and stress tests with Dr. Van Ness. Dietician Von Eiffel finds out what the foods patients like most, "and when that guy finds out what you like, you can bet it won't be on your diet... forget it."

One of my favorites is the "Pill Drill" where the patient learns the which-and-when litany of daily medication, ("this long flat one is what I take if I should die before I wake"). I also enjoyed the rolling conveyer belt of forms to be signed "so that you and your heirs may be properly billed." Although a visit to the doctor's office can be a bit depressing, Dr. Seuss ends this visit on a high note. "You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in!"

This Dr. Seuss title may not be for the young, but is perfect for the young at heart. Or as Dr. Seuss puts it, "You buy a copy for your child now and you give it to him on his 70th birthday."

Review by Beth Golay, March 2, 2005

 
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